Bulletproof For BJJ Podcast
Discussions on improving your BJJ, navigating mat-politics and all aspects of the jiu jitsu lifestyle. Multiple weekly episodes for grapplers of any level. Hosted by JT and Joey - Australian jiu jitsu black belts, strength coaches, and creators of Bulletproof For BJJ App. Based out of Sydney, Australia
Bulletproof For BJJ Podcast
Stop Treating Jiu Jitsu Like Therapy
Jiu jitsu can be therapeutic- there is no doubt about that. But can that lead to you letting your guard down a little too much sometimes? Find out in this episode how jiu jitsu can lead us to oversharing, and how you can remember to find balance and respect the boundaries of your teammates and coaches.
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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another Bulletproof for BJJ podcast. Jiu-jitsu is not therapy, even though it can be therapeutic. In today's episode we break down how the euphoria post-class can induce a state of oversharing and how this may be affecting our jiu-jitsu class in a negative way. May be affecting our jujitsu class in a negative way. We all love going to class, but is your relationship with your coach a bit too close and can this affect the way that you train? And number three, how is the structure of society putting pressure on our personal relationships and having us putting too much pressure on our BJJ coaches? Let's get into the episode now. Oh, also, you're enjoying the content and what we'd really appreciate is for you to like and subscribe and if you're listening to this on an audio platform, give us a five-star rating. We appreciate it. Better, listen very carefully. A good martial artist does not become tense, but ready. Essentially, at this point, the fight is over, so you pretty much flow with the goal. Who is worthy to be trusted with the secret to limitless power? I'm ready.
Speaker 1:Jiu-jitsu is not therapy, even though it can be therapeutic. We often put a lot of weight for our personal, private conversations, life problems, onto jiu-jitsu. It's like your best friend. You found it. It's amazing Jiu-jitsu does so many things for you. But because it might be your only significant relationship to people outside of your job, you put too much pressure on it and I think it's creating problems, because I'm seeing it's talked about a lot by instructors, people who do jujitsu like people. Just be like hey man, don't bring all your lifetime of emotional baggage to the mat, because it's not going to solve things.
Speaker 1:Does this come from? Um, your time coaching? Did you get a lot of this? Um, I don't mind. No, no, no, it's more. I think it's more. I'll fucking give you advice on any shit. You want to tell me how to live it? You want me to tell you how to live your life? Sit down, my friend. I got all the time you need. How much time you got? No, I think it's more. That's like.
Speaker 1:I think it's anything that you find that you really love, whether it's like a great restaurant or a really great service. When, or a really great service when you use it a lot, you come to expect more, like you have way more emotional buy-in and I think that for a lot of people, jiu-jitsu becomes a place where they feel they belong, like if you find the right club, the right school, the right instructor, you're like this is I feel like I'm fucking home. This is my safe place, even though it's kind of risky business, you know. You're like I can fucking I can be weird here. There's weirdos here. It's fine, I fit in.
Speaker 1:You know I can say something that might be controversial at work, but here, jujitsu folks are savage and and I think that this leads to a lot of like oversharing and people saying shit they probably shouldn't, and I think, if it's not, if the boundaries are not well stated by the coach, you get some pretty epic sideways behavior socially at jujitsu. Have you seen stuff like this? Yeah, yeah, I actually saw a funny I might have mentioned this on the show before I saw a. It was a somewhat funny instagram clip sure it started off real good though of a guy being like he's all sweaty and he's like rushing along the street and he's like just had my first jiu-jitsu class. Wasn't sure if I was in the right place. Pretty five minutes into the class, though, found out that the that the head instructor just lost a shitload of money on bitcoin, or like fucked up all his money on crypto, divorced his wife recently, but it's okay, because he's having an affair with one of the blue belts and blah, blah and he's like, and then I knew I was in the right place. A bit of dark humor there towards the coaches, but, um, yeah, I as a coach like when I used to coach more it was. I mean, now I just understand it's part of the gig.
Speaker 1:But it surprised me in the beginning how much people treat you like some sort of authority, some sort of counselor that, because you're, because you're this is a fitness relevant response but because you're teaching people you know how to be healthy and, and that often sort of intermeshes with, like, how to live your life, yeah, personal development and kind of life coaching, mentorship. In a way, people assume that you really have your shit together, yes, and I mean I fucking do, but he does, but you don't know that necessarily, right, it wasn't always that way, no, and so it just and and so and I think that that is kind of a bit of a trap whereby we put, when we're in a context, be it jiu-jitsu or fitness or whatever, and you have the, the master right, which is just someone that's more superior to you, well experienced, yeah, knowledgeable in that area. Yeah, exactly, that's right. That could be the PT or the person coaching the jiu-jitsu class. We kind of ascribe some sort of godliness to them, subconsciously, I think, and not to like, I say that it's within the cult of jiu-jitsu that we do that. Well, we do, but I think we do it in all things and I think that's why we do it in fitness too. It's like Maybe. It's like if you take an interest in investing, all of a sudden, Sure, those people you meet who are like good investors, you start to think, oh, that person's such a legend because he's really good at investing in. I'm into that right now.
Speaker 1:What was the name of the Wolf of Wall Street? What was that guy's name? Jordan Belfort. Jordan Belfort, he's actually a good guy. Yeah, I went to one of his talks Misunderstood. Yeah, I feel like they just got the wrong guy on that one.
Speaker 1:No, but say, you had a monk, right, but the thing is he never asked me for money. You know what I mean? No, but I'm sure in your mind you're like a fucking guy. He knows what's up. He epitomizes happiness, right, but I don't get everything from him. I just love him as a role model for happiness, and it's very simple. Like, what he brings is not. He's not telling you how to live your life, he gives like some tools and he's like and this is what I do and he's fucking so happy. So I love that as a. He's not that prescriptive, he is much more like so what do you do? He's like I meditate six hours a day. You're like fuck, all right, I can't do that. I can't just sweep the temple and meditate. What do you eat for breakfast? What's your morning routine? Yeah, and it's funny because I've had some, we've had little chats, because he's like oh, I've got to. He had some injuries from sitting too long Because you know you sit and meditate and he started getting hip and back pain because he didn't do any strength training. And he's like I went to physio and physio says I need to get stronger and I was like all right, let's chat. You strengthen me spiritually and I can strengthen you physically. Shout out again dawning, my guy, much love, no, I.
Speaker 1:The reason why I wanted to bring up this topic is I think we do put a lot of pressure on coaches. We expect the coaches not only great at jujitsu, but they have all the lifestyle answers to a great lifestyle. Their finances must be great, like there's all these things. So it's not just I'm in, let's go. Yeah, you've got your own coin. Wait, this academy has manages its own portfolio. Okay, let me invest. I think it's because when you go to jujitsu it's associative. You're like I go to this place, I get these good feelings, fuck great. And then you just it's just by product of, and I think it's. It's not. It's funny.
Speaker 1:I talk about like post nut clarity, clarity, or post sex clarity, or it's like it's usually pretty brutal and so it's. You know that that situation is. You know, sugarcoat it bro, no, no, no. So it's. You know that situation is. Don't sugarcoat it bro. No, no, no, no. But what I'm saying is I think it's the opposite.
Speaker 1:For jujitsu, people get a weird like almost like MDMA-esque, like I love you, man. Well, I don't know if it's a. I think it's a euphoria, yeah, but that's what I'm saying. It's a jujitsu induced yeah, but that's what I'm saying. It's a jiu-jitsu-induced yeah, post-roll, yeah, which just makes people open up, yeah, takes the walls down, and then people just start unloading, oversharing, and you're like oh man, nah, bro, you should put some cream on that. No, I can't check that rash. It's like. What do you think of this Bigelow? It that rash? It's like. What do you think of this bigelow? It's not small, it's thin. It's thin, it's long, though like spaghetti. Yeah, it's one of those things that great film maybe?
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Speaker 1:Yes, because there's many different parts that go behind this conversation and we had talked about before about community and how jujitsu can be a great community if you find the right place. It's also a terrible if you're in the wrong spot. It can be bad too, but essentially because the leadership in a team. You admire them for the jujitsu and maybe you admire them because they didn't break your arm when they're unbarring you. And there's a lot of reasons why you might admire. Maybe they're just fucking handsome, maybe you're just Merengali as your head coach and you're like God damn, he's so good looking, but why is he so stupid on the internet? Maybe it's because he's so good looking he's never had to like, actually have life skills, um, or media training, but the, the the difficulty is we as humans want a simple solution. We want a one-size-fits-all. Just give me the pill, give me the thing that fixes my shit. And the mistake I see a lot of people making is they think jujitsu is the pill, they think jujitsu is the solution.
Speaker 1:Jujitsu can also create problems. It can also create lots of other things, and I'm not saying this to say anything bad about jujitsu. It's more that we need to be able to love jujitsu, enjoy it, have our friends at the gym, but I believe there needs to be a level of pressure taken off coaches to be our, our gurus. You know that is not the way and also that it's not just that they're people, but they're human, they're fallible. It's like also, don't give them all your problems. This is a, this is a mistake. Like there's a reason why therapists get paid so much fucking money, like just just because it's not just like, oh, qualifications and stuff like that, they're having to hear some really terrible stuff. And if you're a jujitsu coach and you have 50 people in your gym and 10% of those people want you to be their best friend, that's hard if you already have best friends and you already have a family and you already have other stuff going on in your life.
Speaker 1:Now I want to bring up the example of hairdressers and personal trainers, because I've been a personal trainer, I haven't been a hairdresser, but I have had some chats with hairdressers like, oh yeah, I know every dark secret. I get them Because you spend time with this person intermittently and if they're a good hairdresser or a good personal trainer, you see them pretty regularly. And then they become this third party, other who is not directly in your life, but they're in your life and they kind of know you. And then you have to spend time with them. You're locked in Because if you're the personal trainer or the hairdresser, you're being paid to have that chat trainer or the hairdresser, you're being paid to have that chat and it goes from like, oh, yeah, like, oh, you know, oh, you got a dog, that's nice, oh, cool To like, you know. And then my, my uncle, and you're like, oh, hang on, don't. And then there was this barbecue and you're like, oh, my God, you can't run away, right, you're, you're trapped.
Speaker 1:And so, as a coach, when you're teaching a jiu-jitsu class, sometimes after class there'll be some chats, or you know your student is getting really angry in class and you take them aside and you go, man, what's going on? And then they just unleash on you all the horrors of their life. And this is hard because I think, as a coach, you care and you want to see your students get better at jiu-jitsu, but you don't have all the tools to solve all their fucking worldly problems. You know, like I think this is, this is a difficult thing to navigate as a coach, but it's also like we need people need to kind of keep in check that it's not fair to be able to put it all on your coach. They don't have all the answers, you know, have you ever experienced an oversharing in the gym Joe, not necessarily jujitsu, but like a client just came to you and said this is going on in my life and you're like whoa, we haven't even finished the warmup. Like, let's warm up before we get to the childhood trauma. Yeah, yeah, I've had heaps, had heaps. This is kind of but, but I don't, you know, yeah, like here in this gym, you know, the way that we've we've always treated things, is that that's just part of the process, sure, and so we're open to that, because the dilemma is that it's often in the moment of it's usually when things get intense, right, where the cracks start to open up, yeah, and that's where people then the thing comes to the surface, yeah, and they break down in tears or they have a moment and then they feel the need to explain what happened. They're like, oh, hey, yeah, I, whatever, something's going on, I've been through some shit. So, in that way, I think that's unavoidable and I think that you gotta, you know, like as as the leader, right, the coach, you have to have a basic toolkit to handle that moment. Doesn't mean you need an answer, but you need to be able to like navigate it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, hear someone say, fuck, that's terrible. Hey, you know, we can talk about another time. What do you need to you? Do you want to sit down? Do you want to fucking keep training? Would you rather you know that kind of thing. But I would say, yeah, there's a problem there when because I think that's going to happen and it's very normal, but I think that it's maybe a bit problematic if it goes beyond that and that the person expects the coach to then continue to help them with that thing. Yeah, because it's like hey, I'm really just here to give you a good workout. Yeah, you know, and help you for like, or teach you some techniques and run a good class. Yeah, and I want to help you. But this is outside of the very much outside of the realm of what I know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, definitely, and I don't think there's anything wrong with saying, like, knowing your lane, like knowing what you're good at. If you're someone who likes to give life advice and feels like you're coming from a good place in that, like you know, whether that be uh, uh, you you have, you you've done some uh, counseling, you've, you've been a counselor or you've, you've had a role where you've had to help people get through stuff and you're happy to do it well, then that's great. But if you're a 22-year-old, you know brown belt, who's just specialized in bashing people with jujitsu, and you have low-key autism and a new steroid habit, maybe you're not the most like emotionally open and receptive person to be fielding people's problems on how to deal with. You've got some middle-aged mom that's talking to you about her marital issues or whatever. Yeah, yeah, I mean you know you would like to think that people are maybe a little bit discerning about who they put it on, but I suppose, yeah, I think, like I was saying about the post-jiujitsu euphoria, I suppose, yeah, I think, like I was saying about the post-jiujitsu euphoria, like people just start to like open up and talk and I mean I've had some really candid conversations, not as a coach, just as a like men's chat group, you know, like a bunch of like hardened blokes being like yeah, mate, that's an ingrown hair, that's what that is. They call it truckie's bum. Yeah, nah, oh, yeah, men, get it, you know, and people, just guys, who you're like. Am I getting medical advice from a concreter? But it's because there is a huge value in the community sharing, because this is the power of the network within human society, because this is the power of the network within human society. People with more experience help those with lesser experience and we all kind of collectively get better, we hope. But this idea of the jiu-jitsu therapy is it is therapeutic in a lot of ways in what it does for us in terms of giving us a dose of really great hormones and giving us a source of exercise and giving us community.
Speaker 1:But in terms of dealing with all the stuff that goes on in life, I think we expect too much of the thing because we don't necessarily have it in other parts of our life. Like, um, uh comedian, he's south african, he was hosting the late night show. Uh, his name escapes me, it'll come to me. Uh, he was saying that one of the problems with, uh, modern romances or romantic relationships is because people don't have a network of friends like they used to, or they don't necessarily have numerous people they can bounce their problems off. They put too much pressure on their direct other male or female, and that's not how relationships used to work.
Speaker 1:And there's lots of comedy and silliness around this memes about your wife talking to you like you're their best friend and you're like I don't remember any of this information, but yeah, yeah, yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh, my God, you know like, you're like this is, this is a best girlfriend chat. This is not a wife husband chat. But you, you know, you do, you're trying to be there for him. You do do what you can, not not being insincere. But I believe this is true of jujitsu as well, because we don't necessarily have another community, even though we, we, we have friends at work or maybe we you know daycare. You might know some of the other parents right, this is a new friend group, or your kid goes to school with them and you know them through that.
Speaker 1:But because jujitsu brings a certain level of connection, we're like, right, I found my significant other community coach. My answer to everything, it's all here. And therefore then we're like right time for me to unpack. My whole family died in a car accident when I was a child. You're like, oh my God.
Speaker 1:No, this is hard and I'm not saying this to criticize anyone, but this is an occurrence within jiu-jitsu and it has been brought up more recently because I think there's more young coaches now. You've got more early 20s people running their own academies and they're like I don't have the tools for this shit, I'm just trying to fucking get my vape on. That's why I'm standing outside the academy. I want to talk to you. You know what I mean. Like I I think we've got more younger people with less life experience being awesome at jujitsu and having maybe older people expecting them to have more answers.
Speaker 1:I think this is. This isn't the only thing, but this is part of it yeah, and so, in terms of um, because this is where you know it's kind of cliche, but like celebrities, different people on the internet talk about doing the work, doing allowing themselves to be sad or dealing with loss or addiction and all these things I actually think that this can. Bringing that to jujitsu can detract from the jujitsu experience. This is where I feel we think that something is the answer and by bringing this to bringing our problems to jujitsu, it'll solve all my problems, but actually it can make jujitsu maybe not as much fun and then maybe that's it. It not taints, but it can it. Um, what's the right way? Muddy the waters, yeah. So something like that, something which was really fun and just really lighthearted and just cool, just becomes like uncomfortable or awkward or shit. I shouldn't have said that thing about my third nipple. I got to leave the academy. Now you know, like something like that. Have you seen a situation like that?
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Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, I guess you know, I've seen, I've heard, I've spoken to plenty of people who have encountered a non-jiu-jitsu related sort of conversations at the gym that have put them off the gym, right, right, which is maybe not exactly what we're getting at, but it's like you realize that, oh, that person there is like hyper, they're super conservative, right, and you're more left-leaning, yeah, sure, or vice versa versa. That dude's racist, or, and you're like fuck, like, yeah, oh, I used to like training with that guy, but now I think he's a fuckwit, yes, you know, and so, and that's unavoidable, right, yeah, that's life, but but it, I, I guess I, yeah, I can see it kind of being a similar thing where it's like, maybe what you're bringing or someone's bringing to the thing that's not jiu-jitsu related, is is great and it's within the realm of what you can help, want to help with and chat about, but it might not be. It might be, it might be something that is off-putting and it and and that's when it it can ruin the experience. Yeah, I think, yeah, I think it's a good message you're making about like just being mindful, like if you are the kind of person that does overshare from time to time, or if you've had such conversations where you've shared intimate personal stories with someone at jiu-jitsu and, like you totally should, right, there's nothing wrong with that, but you should be mindful that there can be, there can be, uh, that can have an effect. Yeah, for sure, you know, and and and you know, maybe you just shared a little bit and that's great, it gave some context about you. Or maybe you're like, oh fuck, I've started a bit of a thing here where I talk about this, where we talk about this all the time. Yeah, that could be problematic. Yeah, I, I, as in, as in, there's better qualified people to have that conversation with.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and look, you know, I had a conversation with a guy at a gym that I trained at a little while back when I moved up to Sydney and I was kind of testing the waters at this gym and I don't know if I told you about this, but we used to just train at the same time but there was no one in the gym, just he and I, and he was kind of starting his day and I was kind of finishing my day and yeah, he's a big, strong guy and he was kind of didn't want to make eye contact. But after a while I was like, oh, hey, how are you going? Little chats here and there. But then eventually the conversation turned to like I said, oh no, I'm engaged. And he's like, oh, when are you getting married? And I said, oh yeah, and he's like that better be in a church. I was like, oh yeah, it might be. It's just like.
Speaker 1:You know, you get a certain tone on the conversation. You're like okay, and then he's like you know, just chatting different things. And then I was like, yeah, it's just difficult being a white guy, you know, in the modern era. Oh, all right, cool, cool. And then you know like I'm just, I'm like whatever man, I'm just okay, I'm not going to say anything. Like, yeah, cool, you believe, whatever's going on. And he's like what are you doing on Sunday? I'm like I don't know, not much.
Speaker 1:He's like you want to come to a group? I'm like this guy asked me out on a date. What's going on here? No, it's just like you know it's a group, just a group of guys. You know like just, you know, strong, strong, white Christian men, we just get together. You know it's it's uncool to have faith these days. You know you might like it.
Speaker 1:And I was like, oh yeah, man, oh, let me, I'll, um, let me check with my, with my significant other. Yeah, let's get. Let me get back to you on that. I don't want to say you don't want to let him know you're in a homosexual relationship. Of course my partner, my boyfriend, would love to come along. Let me call joey. No, it was like one of those things. I was just like fuck, all right, cool man.
Speaker 1:But then, like I always stay friendly when, if I ever see this guy, I don't see me, I'm not at that gym. You figure, some kind of neo-nazi type thing. Bro, I, I get the vibe. Like I just get the vibe and look what. I just was like I, I can't. And so I started training at a different time so I didn't keep bumping into him and then eventually I changed gyms but I was like no way, dude, I can't. Yeah, I've never encountered someone like that in. I mean, I don't think I've ever. It just depends what.
Speaker 1:Hanging out at gun clubs in Western Sydney, no, joe. In St Mary's, of all places, no, no. Out in the West, in the wild, well, I mean, I don't really talk to many people out there. You know You're out there with your gun. You're like what are you doing? That's wild though. Oh, dude, it was, and it was just one of those things that he was well-meaning, he was trying to. He felt like he was doing this thing that he thought was really great and he wanted I want you to come, yeah, and he yeah, and. But I, I.
Speaker 1:I think this is the difficulty is that what is good for you isn't necessarily good for me, and it's that's not a problem, provided that this doesn't result in in um in me disturbing your life or you disturbing my life. We, just when we come together for jujitsu, we're sharing jujitsu, and I've always made it the policy that I don't want people to really talk about religion or politics at jujitsu, Like it's about the thing we're doing, you know, and that doesn't mean that you're not entitled to believe what you believe and do what you do. You totally should be, but that this I feel like it's not. I don't feel that the jujitsu class is the forum for that. You know, outside of class you talk about whatever you want, but it's like we're here to just try and get better at this thing, just to try and keep it as neutral as possible, because jiu-jitsu can be political without bringing in those larger life aspects, right, yeah, I mean I would think that if oh, you're a guard puller If people were capable of holding a proper conversation about that shit.
Speaker 1:If you say to someone like, if someone's like real staunch on like top game takedown, smash, pass, you know. And then you go oh no, I pull guard. That's like. That's people just oh, oh, you're a guard puller, are you? Oh, what's your boyfriend? Think about that. You know shit like that. You're like bro, what Like?
Speaker 1:Can we look at the most effective submission rate from people in the history of the game? Mendes brothers, craig Jones, logan Charles, like any number of really great jujitsu folks who didn't stand up and bang, who just did jujitsu but they pulled guard. It is a thing folks, we got to accept. It's a very effective way to win jujitsu matches gi or no gi, yeah, like you know. So I think it's just it's funny that within jujitsu there's already like stigmas and social nuance. You know it's. It's kind of oh, you're like Biren Bolas, do you One of those guys? Oh, you're a 10th planet guy.
Speaker 1:Like it's crazy that we create divisions within this silly thing that is still evolving and changing. And you know like it's. I love jiu-jitsu for what it does to create unity and it is a natural human thing to want to create division because it's like us versus them and we're better than them, or this is better than that, and it's like well, it's all very contextual and depending on where you are, your context will change and then the tools you need to succeed in your new context will probably change again. And then you just got to evolve and that continues. But the hardest thing I have found with folks in, because it does attract plenty of weirdos, like jiu-jitsu, has lots of martial arts, has a as an appeal to it, does some on the fringes, yeah, and and jiu-jitsu specifically. I think jiu-jitsu more than a lot of other fighting arts, so to speak.
Speaker 1:But that said, um, I would say very few of them are doing therapy, like very few of them have gone to speak to a psychologist, and that is abundantly clear when you have certain conversations with people post open mad or whatever it might be. So really, this whole piece is this is not throwing shade or shame on anyone other than say, give your instructor a bit of a break. They are not a psychologist. Well, maybe they are a psychologist, but maybe you need to book them out of hours and pay a lot more money to have that conversation and that really, if you really want to share something which is really meaningful to you, you do got to. You got to read the crowd a little bit because maybe you know it's it may not be as well received as as intended. When you, when you bring something very personal to the table, I think that's it, that's it right there.
Speaker 1:Folks, now, speaking of oversharing, what would help us share this with the world? Like and subscribe my friends. It means a lot to us. And word of mouth that's the thing that people have forgotten amongst all the algorithmic magic is when you tell a jujitsu mate, hey, I'll listen to this podcast, what do you think about that? They go oh yeah, I'll check that out. That's a great way for more good people to hear stuff like this. So please give it a share. We appreciate you all. Peace.
